little by little
Sunday, May 25, 2003
this week has been turbulent. the rumours (free publicity for elddfs play =P) about tash and i have gotten to everyone in school, and it got to the point when i couldn't take it any longer, and walked out of school when the sun shone down without shadows. i.e. 12pm. afterwhich my ex messaged me, and got me into my infamous maudlin state of being again. i learnt new things this week, but i'll still be pestering people for those interesting-facts-i-don't-already-know to pass and colour the next 7 days or 168 hours. i keep thinking back, when i should think ahead. i keep falling back, falling in, vertigo is in my blood i guess. i'll still try to smile, to forget, but you know where to find me (here) because if i haven't been able to achieve any progress in the past few months this "next week" probably isn't gonna make a rightful amount of difference.
The Idiosyncrasies of Gossip
“I can’t believe Claire said that to him!”
Two cosmetic schoolgirls in the canteen.
I know Claire, and I’m sure
Claire won’t recognise them.
“Did you hear…”
Rhetoric.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this, but…”
You should know better.
“And so she ditched him, and went for the Rich Guy.”
If you don’t know Mr Rich Guy’s name, you probably
Don’t know the “she”.
“Tash and Gaston are together!”
Wow. Thanks. Even I didn’t know that.
“Is your father very rich?”
“Tell me who’re the cool people in school so I don’t
make the wrong friends.”
“Ehhh! I tell you ah, Mimi just told Mary who told Lily
That Jessie is not a virgin!”
(not their real names)
(not their real lives)
(none of your fucking business)
So there.
Gossip
Gossip contains the same letters for
“Go Piss” (at someone else)
Because
The toxic streams are wearing me down.
In school, people must lead colourless lives.
These soldiers of gossip,
Wearing epaulettes of black lips,
Polishing cocked rifles which reflect themselves
In its unbelievable sheen.
I don’t want to hear how
That girl-I-don’t-know
Fucked around with
That boy-I-don’t-know
And claims she got
Herpes from him.
The funniest thing happened today.
I was notified that I have gone steady
With a good friend of mine.
By an insignificant boy whose name I can’t remember.
The funniest thing happened today.
My friend and I had a good laugh and
Got on with our lives, which is more than I can say for them.
Ex-tensions
You returned to haunt me,
A phone call from your friend
To mine,
Relaying a message three times
Before it reached
Me-
I feel as if I’m running the
Anchor leg of a race,
Clutching a baton hollowed by
(Just) words and inaction,
Running into the nowhere of confusion-
“She still misses you.”
Know this: You missed me,
In the flux of a malfunctioning world.
I missed you, misinterpreting
Your rebuses as my past.
Miss, in the physical, motional sense of the word.
A street across, a skyscraper in between,
We did not grow enough to see eye to eye.
I think, we did not even manage to
See each other-
Was it my myopia or yours?-
So we’ll keep missing, in extensions and
Constructions; we’ll keep missing, rational
Ramparts erected within our loves,
So that we won’t love too hard,
Trust too much,
Lest we spontaneously combust,
Trapped in the inevitability of passion:
A Prisoner’s Dilemma superimposed
Nominally, ironically.
(I’ll keep missing
In the other sense of the word too)
just as i thought i could maybe just maybe start afresh you come along and drop me a vday present betwixt may and june. i don't know what to say to you i'm not the resilience everyone assumes me to be i'm just another little boy trying hard to forget but you won't allow it and the right half of me wants to see you but the left half hates you too much. i learnt something relevant in literature periods in school on friday, when mrs ang told us that hate was only the shadow of love, just as hell is to heaven. if we are capable of the intensity hate generates, we must have loved hard enough at least once before to fall through hope's flimsy membrane. thank you mrs ang, you might not have solved my predicament but at least now i sleep knowing i still care for her and maybe i still love her but this is all voices in the heart and not meant for the voice. and i still sleep fitfully, in sessions of an hour or two, each time blurring the distinction between waking and dreaming a little further.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
there is pain in my head. i know because the pain affects my smile - the upturned frown you dislike, my best efforts. i seem to brood alot these days. the sun shines a jaundiced gold and the air drowns me like a bloated well. i don't know when to say what to who anymore. it's so awkward, all these people with names you remember without distinction. i'm sorry for my carelessness. believe in my earnesty to befriend you, if only because i promise. one day i will learn each of your pasts and each of your dreams, master them and weave the information into a velvet conversation, so that all you can taste is burgundy and fluency. i will, once i find a password out of this cell. could anyone spare me a master key password.
hello.
i'm back. more subdued, more sensible? finally, i can write without her shadow weighing down my words.
hello.
"are you happy today?"
i woke up without love.
